I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
