I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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