every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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