i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
