Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
