dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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