Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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