I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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