i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
