they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
