It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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