Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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