I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize