We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We have started to decorate penises.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize