Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize