bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
