oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
