Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
