I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
