everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
