I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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