My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize