I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
