Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
