i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
