when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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