TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
