my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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