Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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