It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
