the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
