Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
