i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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