Welp...herpes.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
