I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
