You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
