In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
