Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
