Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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