i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can I color on your dick again?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
