he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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