I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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