Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
