Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to calm my uterus...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
