1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
