I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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