Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
