Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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