As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
