I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
