Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
