I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
