I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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