"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
