just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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