I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
