You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
