I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think my moral compass just broke
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
