That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
