I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
