I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
