Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
