I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
