I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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