I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
