I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
