You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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