My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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