Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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