The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
